“Praise the Lord. How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him! The Lord builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit. The Lord sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground. Sing to the Lord with grateful praise; make music to our God on the harp. He covers the sky with clouds; he supplies the earth with rain and makes grass grow on the hills. He provides food for the cattle and for the young ravens when they call. His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of the warrior; the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.” Psalms 147:1-11

It is 3 o’clock in the morning. I can hear Vince groan, asking to turn him on his other side. I flounder down the stairs and enter his room. His tracheostomy tube gives out a dry, whistling noise. I stop the BIPAP machine; remove the connecting pipe from the trach. Now my right eye opens up too, I start to really wake up. The air tries to move in and out next to the dry phlegm, that’s why the whistling sound. I sleepily head into the bathroom for a fresh, already sterilized trach. I take out my first-aid kit and sit down on the bed, next to Vince. Scissors, lidocaine gel, spare string, a pillow to support his head. By the time I finish I am surprised that I have really just woken up. And if I am already here, I can wash the connecting pipe of the BIPAP machine, so it won’t transfer the old secretion to the new trach. I take it apart, rinse it with soapy water, put everything back together and start the machine. I turn Vince on his other side and I am about to leave the room when I realize I missed one little routine check, and I turn back. I am shocked when I notice that I put the jack in the other way around, which now directs the outflowing air where Vince breathes in. I quickly open it up, turn it around, one final check, it works! The next moment I am already in bed, sleeping like a baby.

The days pass by quickly; hurrying to school, running errands. Then one day in church, when the pastor talks about God’s greatness, this dawn experience with the trach change and the jack problem hits me. Goodness, I feel so small as I marvel about God’s perfect plan… How He pays attention to the details! He has all knowledge! He is present everywhere! He gives such personalized love! He is an expert at the workings of a BIPAP machine as well as shepherding my thoughts and movements! Who knows how many BIPAP machines He had to check that morning and how many other things He had to design and execute…

But in all this rushing around I tend to think it’s all me. I figured it out so well, organized it so well, did it on time, blah, blah, blah… Me-me-me! But I am just a small dust particle in this great machinery. I know I am an important dust particle, because God created me after His own image and He cares for me, but I also know I am not God! When I am completely exhausted and in early-morning mode, I am totally incapable of doing anything comprehensible. Still, God holds my hand and lifts it up, and when I am ready to go back to bed, He turns me around and puts it on the jack of the BIPAP machine. His love overflows, as this much miracle is plenty for one morning, to save my son from asphyxia. And He continues on, not allowing me to feel sorrow or fear or have any thoughts about what happened. Instead, He gives me peace and allows me to go to bed and fall asleep peacefully as if nothing has happened! Thank you God for not leaving me and never staying far from me! I always marvel at Your omnipotence!

” Praise the Lord. How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him! / He strengthens the bars of your gates and blesses your people within you. He grants peace to your borders and satisfies you with the finest of wheat. He sends his command to the earth; his word runs swiftly! Psalms 147:1, 13-15