It’s 3 o’clock in the morning. I hear Vince groaning, he wants to turn around. I get up, remove the CPAP machine from his trach (this supports his breathing), uncover him and carefully turn him. I look at his face while I am doing this, I can see he is dreaming something sweet, and I am amazed at the perfection God created. I brace him with stuffed animals from front and back, so he won’t roll back to his previous position. I cover him again and connect the tube to the trach, so it will blow extra oxygen in. I go back to bed, give thanks to Jesus for his help, then I fall into prayer then asleep.

Then in the morning the daily routine begins. I lift him out of bed, I put him onto the potty chair. Out from the potty chair, into the sitting corset. Out from the sitting corset, onto the potty chair. Out from the potty chair, into his little armchair. Out from his little armchair, into the stroller. Out from the stroller, into the car seat. Out from the car seat, into the baby carrier. Then I balance the baby carrier, I take the suction machine with me, and I rush into physiotherapy with him. I run to the pharmacy, to the post office, to the store, to the medical supply store. Then I run back to physiotherapy, balance the baby carrier, fasten him into the car seat, fly into the stroller, then again potty chair, wheelchair combined with sitting corset, and we are having lunch already. Over to the potty chair, then carrying him to bed, then once he is up, potty chair again, and stroller and car seat and stroller and sitting corset, and we are at the speech therapist. Then I get lost with the order, car seat, stroller, potty chair, sitting corset, potty chair, bed and sleep.
I’ve turned into a Mother-Manager. I run like crazy, I pay attention to the time schedules, so we won’t be late for treatments. A Mother’s life is constant organization; you need to know how much time it takes for your child to eat, to go to the bathroom, to pack, etc. This is a well-thought out thing, so you won’t have to take time to turn inwards, to recharge. So by the evening, just like most Mothers do, I turn into the worst version of myself, I scold my husband because of something minute, or I just fall over like a log, and I am asleep already.
Is this the life planned for us? Of course everyone answers NOOO and already starts organizing when they can go out with girlfriends or to the cinema, a play at the theater or a biking trip. We’ve become happiness-seekers, because we live in non-stop exhaustion. We need the gratification that covers up the void we feel when we don’t accidentally fall asleep next to the kids’ bed or when our husband goes on a business trip abroad and the house is empty.

Everybody is searching for something, meditates, goes on personality development trainings, starts running, reads books about inner peace. We make sure we don’t have to sit still for a second and open our hearts, that little door, because we are afraid someone is standing on the other side we don’t know. We don’t have time anyway, because we’ve become Mother-Managers, and we have time schedules to keep, and we have important things to do, oh, and there is the cooking. Is this really the situation? The truth is that we are afraid. We are afraid to leave the road well paved with our habits and see the truth. Jesus says about Himself: I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. Hmmm? I don’t understand, as a Mother I am the one who has to run to physiotherapy with her child, I am the one who tells him he is a big boy now and doesn’t need a pacifier, I am the one who gives him life every day, since I make the food for him, I nurse him when he is sick, etc. Are we mothers or Gods? Who is in charge?

My life doesn’t conform to the classical ‘Mother’ role, because 80% of my tasks are comprised of life saving and nursing activities. While I thought I was in charge, I almost went crazy from all the responsibilities burdening me. How do I keep my son alive if I am not God? So I play God, and I start controlling everything. I surf the Internet for cures, I organize meetings with doctors, healers, therapists, and I nurse Vince night and day. But time has shown me that I cannot keep an eye on everything, I cannot do everything, I cannot pay proper attention to a careless moment. But if I don’t have any strength to keep organizing these things and I got completely exhausted, who do things still keep going on their own? The answer is simple: there is a Creator, who keeps this world going with His word, and that’s not me. So the Mother-Manager quit in me a while ago, and I gave the control over to Jesus.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

As Mothers, everybody takes on the manager position, as there is nothing else to do. ‘Who would take care of all these things if I weren’t here?’ many ask. At the beginning of my writing feel free to substitute putting my son on the potty chair with organizing a football camp for your child. Or replace carrying the suction machine with arranging a renovation for your house. But it could be a simple getting to school-picking your child up thing switched with putting Vince in his wheelchair.
Do you feel the parallels? By the end of the day Mother-Manager is exhausted, no matter what means she tries use to take care of her child. This rush simply takes you far away from God, and you yourself are the justification in your own eyes why you didn’t look for His company today.

“Sow righteousness for yourselves, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers his righteousness on you.” Hosea 10:12

I regularly pray with Moms. The text message comes: a 5-minute prayer? These are the most fulfilling moments! We put our burdens down, we tell Jesus we cannot run and get to the extracurricular activities with our children on time, we cannot speak to them with patience, we have no strength left to ask our husbands lovingly what their day was like. We simply hand over our problems, because we cannot provide and foresee everything. And Jesus gladly helps, and He showers us with blessings.
Quit your Mother-Manager position, and give your burdens to Jesus. Find 5 minutes when you feel you cannot go on like this anymore, and sit down to pray! The best would be of course to find a prayer partner, someone you know well. But if you don’t have a person like that, write to me, and I will help you in the first steps. God desires of one thing: He would like to take care of you, and He asks for your friendship in return. Open your heart! What could you lose? It is worth a try! Just ask for His mercy to see His gifts, to hear His voice, to have Him send a person who helps, to run with you to the extra English lessons for your child. And of course feel free to go to the theater, or do any activity you are interested in, but know that Jesus would be glad to join. For example, I regularly take Him country dancing, and He enjoys it a lot!

Ps: I received a movie from Moms; I recommend you to watch it if you get a chance, it could be useful for You to see how your prayer really works. The movie is called War Room: (this is the movie itself in English, with Hungarian subtitles).