I have had the opportunity to worry about lots of things since the birth of my son. I worried when he couldn’t take a breath when he was born… I worried, because after his birth I couldn’t embrace him for 23 days, and I only could see him for an hour every day because of the ICU’a policy… I worried because he had a tracheotomy at 2 months old… I worried because after going home from the hospital I had to resuscitate him… I worried, because he couldn’t move any of his body parts and I didn’t know how to hold him… I worried, because I couldn’t go and pee in peace and quiet, because I kept listening if air gets into his tracheostomy tube or not… I worried, because I had to change his feeding tube every two weeks for a year… I worried, because I was afraid if I fall asleep at night I wouldn’t hear him…
I could write pages full of how many things I have worried about in the past five years. I didn’t know the concept of worry before. It’s incomparable when one worries about having the company newspaper ready on time for the upcoming corporate event, and at 2 AM still talking to the agency regarding the printing, or when at 2 AM I wake up seeing that there is a mucus plug in my little boy’s trach and I have to suction it, because he cannot breath.
Talking to other Moms I realized that I have to loosen up a little, since every Parent worries about something. I tried to think positively and say mantras during all my activities, so I could direct my mind in the direction of good. It worked for a little while. I completed courses during my pregnancy I looked for purposefully, so that after Vince’s birth my soul and my body would stay healthy, no matter how hard life situations I might face. I meditated, I listened to music, I went to see healers, I attended physiotherapy treatments for children with a big belly, and I felt I had the Sorcerer’s Stone in my possession. I was fully prepared to raise a physically handicapped child.
When Vince was around 3 years old, I was so exhausted from all the anxiety and lack of sleep that I could barely stand on my two feet. I thought I couldn’t go on and I would go crazy. And then God gently spoke to me.
We just arrived to the Croatian seaside on vacation, but I already lost control on the first day. It was 35° Celsius (95° Fahrenheit), I couldn’t take my son with his trach outside, because I was afraid the secretion would dry up in the heat and the costal wind. We were inside all day, sweating. I remember Vince having huge drops of water around his trach on his neck; he looked like he’d just had a shower. By the evening we decided to start the air conditioner, so we could sleep. We only turned it on in the hall, because we knew if we did it in the bedroom as well, Vince would catch a cold and his trach would dry out from the cold air. We slept well, but I saw that Vince was getting sick at breakfast. The food came back, and there was a lot of secretion. He turned white, started to pant; we knew this was the beginning of another sickness that can only be dealt by rushing to the hospital to get extra oxygen. He was so exhausted, his eyes were getting heavier and heavier, so I thought I would let him sleep a little, then we would go to the hospital after he had woken up. I put him down, and I was furious beside his bed. I was crying and screaming inside, wanting to know why we were in this situation again. Why??? Then I somehow thought about praying to Jesus. If he is the Redeemer, then this is nothing for Him to heal my little boy. I prayed out loud, straight from my heart, with Vince sleeping in the meantime. I gave all my burdens over to Him, I let everything go, after all, I didn’t have anything to hold onto anymore. Then an hour later Vince woke up, his face was rested and rosy, he smiled and asked with his eyes if we were going to play. I couldn’t believe that this happened to us. The symptoms were unmistakable; we had had quite a few trips to the hospital already. I was certain we had just experienced a miracle. Jesus healed my son! I asked my husband to stay with Vince for a little while, I ran to the sea and shouted into it: Thank you Lord for saving us, You are truly the Savior!
“they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” Colossians 2:2-3
Since then everything has changed. I have turned from Anxious Mom into Trusting Mom. By now God has given a great many proofs into our hands, and as their fruit, wisdom. I believe and now I know that no matter what hardships I face, God is always there with me and brings me the salvation at the exact time He sees it to be right. It is strange to write about this, it is a whole different thing to experiences it, but what is sure is that hard facts prove His providence.
He has gotten us a breathing machine at Christmas time, when everyone was busy with gifts. He sent us an e-mail about Vince’s spinal surgery being supported by the Hungarian National Health Fund (OEP), and we hadn’t even submitted our application. He got us home safely from town when the suction machine was not working and Vince’s trach was filled with secretion. (Allow me to make a little detour at this last incident: I would like to tell you how great God is and He has the infinite organizing principle. We were about to head home from the swimming pool with Vince. A lady got into the car with us, whom we met at the pool and who asked me to take her with us. I was about to start the engine when I heard that the trach needed suctioning. I pressed the button, but nothing happened, not even a squeak. I took out the manual suction machine, I starting pumping with my hand, but there was so much secretion that I knew I couldn’t produce enough suctioning power that would move the mucus plug from its place, because it must have been stuck to the wall of the tracheostomy tube. I told our guest that I was going to pray, because I don’t know what to do, the machine is not working. I asked Jesus out loud to bless us, I asked for His grace so we could make it home safely. Vince could still breathe, but I heard the slurping non-stop, which sounds deeper with a mucus plug like this, and it can be very bothersome for someone who hasn’t heard it before. We headed out, then a dropped the lady at the agreed place, who, when closing the door, said thank you for learning something important that day. We rushed on; it took us half an hour to get home by car. I watched Vince, I watched the road, and I kept praying to make it home safely. Glory to God!)
I am not saying that I own the magic lamp, which if I rub the Genie comes out and makes all my wishes come true. However, I am certain that no matter what life situation I find myself in, not matter what our lives are like, I walk with Him and I am safe.
I could worry about a whole lot of other things today, tomorrow, and the day after that. The latest is to find out whether Vince will be accepted to kindergarten starting in September. He is craving other children’s company so much! Very few institutions provide proper care for disabled children. We are not very welcome anywhere with a tracheostomy tube, and I understand their worry, because I have been in dangerous situations many times already. We will find out the result within weeks, but there is peace in my heart, because I know He cares about me and I no longer need to worry…
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6