„Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge.” Psalms 16:1
We are in the hospital again. Vince had a laryngoscopy and other check-ups. I drag myself with sadness in the morning, I try to comprehend the diagnosis established by the doctors, according to which Vince’s left bronchus hasn’t developed at all since the surgery. I pray for Jesus to take away this sadness, because I cannot breathe, and I feel like I am dying a little inside. Was all this effort in vain? We traveled for days to get to the hospital in vain. Vince suffered every single prick of the needle, the pain after breaking his ribs, and the tubes in his body in vain. We collected donations for the surgery in vain. We camped on hospital beds for months in vain. Oh, so many things seem now like they were in vain!
I empty the potty from the potty chair, and suddenly a strong, intrusive sound speaks to me: “You are going to handle bedpans for the rest of your life!” My hands stop. I feel that sadness has reached my deepest inner being. But then I suddenly get guidance from Jesus and my eyes open up! “Bedpans?” I ask. I have never held a bedpan in my life! What I’m holding in my hand right now doesn’t belong to a bed, but to a chair. Sadness runs out of the bathroom with a whimper, because it knows that happiness will kick its butt if it stays a second longer. I’m holding the potty in my hands, and I’m smiling. I realize the comedy again that the devil is playing with me. I suddenly tear the imaginary nurse’s uniform off of me, and I step outside where the air is fresh. I am jubilant, because I was able to see! I was able see how many self-torturing thoughts I have been cherishing that don’t belong to me.
„ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”James 1:5
I have recognized difficult situations several times before. It is like when you can suddenly look at your own life from above and see what’s real. But this time I gained another experience as well. I heard the devil’s voice. For the first time in my life it was so sharply clear, that I felt the weight of the fight. The devil has truly one purpose: to estrange me from God, then from myself, then from others. The aim is to be alone and to feel that there is no hope, so I will choose death instead of life.
„For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict.”Luke 21:15
But now I received wisdom, and not just from anyone, but from God Himself! I can know that there is a devil, and I don’t only struggle with the thoughts of my old self, but also there is an external enemy. With my old thoughts I used to always put on my positive thinking cap, and I thought that was enough. I smiled consciously, I turned every stone, and I took care of everything I humanly could. I focused on the present, and kept saying positive statements to restore my mind. But now I know that it was only a temporary solution to my old bad habits, my old self-torturing thoughts, and the difficulties I suffered in the past. But I don’t want to win a battle; I want to win the war. And for that I need a whole new way of fighting! God teaches me daily and He shows me His armory. He is not selling a surprise packet, He writes down clearly what it is I need to do! It is so great that you teach me Dear Heavenly Father simply, with love and with never-ceasing patience!
“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” James 1:12-15
The following day I wake up with ease in my heart. One day has passed, and nothing has changed in my situation. I slept in a hospital bed, I know Vince’s bronchus didn’t develop overnight, and I empty the potty just the same way, but there is peace in my heart. I know Vince is safe, no matter what kind of diagnosis the doctors come up with. I have full faith that Jesus provides, and He does it by paying attention to every single detail. He doesn’t know the concept of short term and long term. In His vocabulary there is only Eterenal Life.